Eight months later….

Eight months is a long time…

Since April, I had put this past week in October week as a pin mark in my own personal calendar. For me, this date was many things; an inspiration, a deadline, a goal, and a test. It was a personal deadline that had been arbitrarily set, at least in my own head, that if I could make it this far, if I could build up this ability to fight my demons for this long, that not only could I prove to myself that I could actually do this then perhaps I can also prove it to others. Now I realize it was a stupid goal.

And then, somehow, I made it.

This past weekend, my sponsor asked me: Did you do it for her? No, I replied, I did it for me, but she made me realize what I had to do. And, I added, she inspired me. She, more or less, told me to get straight before I could be in her life. That was enough. I wanted to be back in her life. She inspired me. She pushed me to be better. And while I always wasn’t, she stuck by me. And then we broke up – because of alcohol. It was the worst decision of my life.

What I didn’t know then was I was choosing something that was the most wonderful thing in my life over booze. I was an idiot.

We met for the first time in over six months. It was a pleasant meeting and after walking around with our coffees, she told me she was dating someone else. It was try worst fear come true. My drunk ass had brought this on. I brought this on. I had a great love that I threw away.

This was from February:

I love you.

We broke up a year ago because of your drinking but I stuck around.I put up with your horrible accusations, you called me AMY for fucks sake, forced myself back into your life no matter how many times you pushed me away, and I’ve always kept my hopes up for you and for us.

I have told you many times and I will tell you again.I love you and I’m here to help you but I refuse to even begin a conversation about “us” until you have been sober and maintained sobriety for at least 6 months, with regular AA meetings, seeing a regular counselor who specializes in alcoholism, and having a sponsor.Then and only then can we begin the conversation about whether or not we can be a couple.

This weekend she told me she was dating someone else.

It’s all over. The woman I love is gone. I fucked it all up. I messed this up. I was a drunk. I was a depressed drunk. I was an terrible human and a terrible boyfriend.

Yesterday, I had so many hopes and no of them came true. But what’s worse is she didn’t acknowledge what she felt before. Instead, when we talked yesterday, she claimed that we had broke up a long time ago. What about all that time we spent time together after? She was supporting me, she said. She didn’t acknowledge how she wrote those words before. This left me feeling like either she lied back then or she didn’t remember. Either way, I spent these last few months hoping and waiting and then it was suddenly cut away from me.

This just points out how miserable I am and how I make anyone close to me becomes miserable as well.

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