if nothing else I can cook…

Anthony Bourdain’s Mac and Cheese

What do people do that suffer insomnia and get hungry? Well, if they live in New York City, go outside, walk a block or two and find a diner. The rest of us of have to re-heat leftovers OR cook.

Last night at around 3am, I cooked. Admittedly, this was a unique experience for me, but what I made or rather what recipe I followed, seemed more significant.

I was in Volcano, Hawaii when I learned about Anthony Bourdain’s suicide. I blogged about it at the time. When I returned home, there on my dining room table was his book Appetites – a book a I had purchased months before.  At the time, I had yet to make anything from the book. As a general rule, I don’t like buying cookbooks. I tend to feel they are impulse buys or lazy gifts. You may try a recipe or two from it and then it goes back on a shelf to collect dust. Yet, this one, to me, was special because it was written by someone whom I had a great deal of respect for.

After his death, the book sat on my table and I questioned whether or not to even open it again much less try a recipe. The circumstances of his death, how he died, and his battle with substance abuse seemed like a dagger to close to the heart. Avoidance instead of confirmation.

Yet, even with the battle of the lack of quality sleep and my struggles with anxiety and depression, I decided this weekend to try at least one and I choose… Mac and Cheese.

Cheeses: Gruyere, Sharp Cheddar, Parmesan-Reggiano, and fresh Mozzarella.

I added ham. (The recipe said it was optional.) It was amazing.

I am still somewhat ambivalent about testing other recipes from his book. I’d like to believe he would curse me out and tell me to get on with it; to try, test, and find my own way.


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