The last letter

M,

Here are your keys.

I debated on whether or not to write a note. In the end, knowing I would probably never get the chance talk to you again, I wanted to admit this to you…. I wanted to thank you.

When we started dating, I was in a mindset that I would never love again. Of course, this affected the way I treated you – which was completely unfair. Maybe I wasn’t ready. Maybe I did not have the right frame of mind. Yet, but despite whatever negative thoughts I had, I did fall in love with you, and even then, I think I tried to deny it. Because loving someone else was admitting to trusting them, to letting someone back into my life and something like that meant I was terrified of the prospect. It meant opening myself up to pain I never ever wanted to feel again.

Yet, I won’t deny the good things. Some of the best things in my life. Our relationship is over, but I wanted to let you know how important and good you have been to me and the impact you have had in my life.

Without you, I wouldn’t have Bea. And, now, I can not imagine not having her in my life. You guided me to have this wonderful, beautiful dog that has been a light in my life. I cannot begin to thank you enough for pushing me to have this opportunity to have her with me.

There are other moments that I focus on too, happy moments that I will always cherish: You and I walking with J in Rock Creek; the fall colors and smells, the fresh air, the just natural feeling of being outside. A midnight showing of Star Wars with a theater full of kids young enough to be our own kids. The day we spent in Disneyland. Italy… tasting carbonara for the first time, standing with you in the Sistine Chapel, and, as is evidence in my house, standing there with you on the Sorrento coast.

But the most important to me, the happiest and most fulfilled I felt is when it was you and I in bed or the couch with the dogs, cuddling, and relaxing. I cherish those moments the most. To think about it now, it’s kinda scary. Relaxing like that, being in that position makes one vulnerable, especially to an ass like me that despises such things. Yet….

You told me once, while in that scenario I just described, “Let’s always have dogs.”

You felt it too. That closeness. The connectivity. The feeling of being happy in this crazy world and having a moment of completeness that is hard to duplicate. This kind of intimacy is hard to have or duplicate. It made me feel connected, apart of a family, and connected with the clan – just pure love and togetherness.

So thank you, M. Thank you for being a part of my life and giving me these moments and allowing me to share them with you. I wish you nothing but the best. You are a wonderful and beautiful woman and I feel incredibly lucky that you were apart of life. It didn’t work out between us, but I will always treasure these moments and I feel blessed that I was able to share them with you.

Goodbye, M. I love you very much.

Daniel

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