What is a support network?
My inability to communicate properly will haunt me for the rest of my days here on this crazy planet. Wait, let me rephrase that: my inability to communicate EFFECTIVELY has always been an issue for me and those closest to me. The result? The people most closest to me; the people I respect and love, I reject or push away or ignore because they DO NOT know what is going on in my head. If they were just mind readers, everything would be ok.
Depending on your own point of view, attempting to read the hamster wheel in my head can seem impossible. And it’s my head! I can confirm it’s a mess up there. There is no better example of this from earlier this year, when after New Year’s, I climbed on the wagon. Yet, after a few weeks, I jumped off and lashed out. Thus, M was on the front lines of my brutal lashing. Had we, or more specifically me, had actually communicated what I was thinking then, it might have been easier and with actual results. Instead, I used this as an excuse that proved (at least in my head) she didn’t care. In reality, she did care and pulled me out of the house.
Was that a support network? Maybe. A friend, whom I ex-communicated, forced herself into my life and made me lay on her couch while detoxing and going through the withdrawal symptoms of skipping my crazy pills. That day and night and the following day were horrible for me. But it was self-imposed! I did this to myself. I had blocked her texts and de-friended her on FB in some self-righteous drunken haze. And yet, she came over, picked me up, and made me hang in her place. It was exactly what I needed. I have no doubt in my mind that the reason she did it was because she loved me.
So then why – a month and half later – did I repeat the process?l During that time, M and I talked – on the phone, texting, emailing – and I enjoyed it. There were nights, during this time, that I wanted to drink but instead I called her and we chatted. It helped! Then for some reason I blew it all up. I went back to my old ways and the rescue I had before never came. I don’t blame M. I blame me.
I have always wondered if this was like life with A – my ex-wife. Was it a roundtable of being better and then being a monster? Was this going from strength to strength? Maybe I’m a good dog dad and horrible husband/boyfriend.
Still, I miss my friend. I wish I could talk to her. I wish I can share stuff in my life. I want to ask about stuff in her life. But I ruined it – just like I ruin everything.